Her BrainStorm

Post my brain tumor surgery, life is unbearable – to say the least. The three month stay in the hospital post surgery should have extended to me the much needed respite from the harsh ten hour surgery; however, my sedentary lifestyle and the potent painkilling cocktail of morphine and oxycodone keep me asleep most of the days and nights — (thankfully) keeping my mind totally oblivious to reality. Reality is completely suspended. I am an avatar being controlled by an evil puppeteer. God becomes unreal to me. My happy go lucky, cheerful demeanor sinks into a quicksand of depression.

As I start to “awake” during this time, I wonder why I believed in a God. Just let it go already… but my spirit tells me otherwise. I need to know! I’m not letting it go. YOU said if we seek You with all of our hearts, we will find You. I guess You must be a Liar. I wrestle with these thoughts day and night. I seek God. For the love of God, show me You are real! Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. I continue to seek God for His existence. His silence is deafening. I feel defeated. His absence is overwhelming. I hate this. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure I really like You either. I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I repented. I guess repentance is what You taught but it must apply to everyone BUT ME. You could’ve just “taken” me during surgery and I wouldn’t have known the difference. I’d be in Heaven with You, You would’ve had another soul saved. We’d both be happy. So why did You do it?!? Why did You leave me here on this earth to suffer the loss of my memory, the loss of my business, the loss of my marriage, and the loss of my dad? You’re the most selfish Being I’ve ever come across. Not sure if I really like You anymore. Please just show me You are real and let me go my way. Thanks, it’s been a pleasure.

My prayer and cries continue to God. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. My prayers seeking God continue. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. (due to my short-term memory loss, I find myself repeating a lot of things). Nothing. Help my unbelief, Lord.

Seasons are changing. The harsh and cold winter is finally coming to an end. Our down jackets are being neatly put away into storage bins for next winter. Whew… thank God the temperatures are finally rising. Creation always reminded me of a Creator God. That’s it! There HAS to be a God. Because SOMETHING can’t come from NOTHING. As I meditate on this fact… God continues to show me His existence. He points my eyes to creation.